"Mom, is dad going to die?" ~ Kassandra "Blaze" Wilsey
“Mom, is dad going to die?”
I wanted to shelter my kids, I wanted to hide them away from the very real fears that are concerning us all today. I wanted to shelter them from statistics, economics, death rates, politics, the list goes on and on. I wanted them to have just the right amount of information. I wanted them to understand why there is no school, no birthday parties, no play dates. But not too much information that they couldn’t sleep at night like I can't sleep. Not too much information that they worry about their older relatives, grocery trips, bills or work to keep the unbearable feelings of dread at bay like I do.
I thought as a parent I was doing an ok job. I thought that I was sheltering my kids just enough. I thought I was keeping an eye on them and their emotions, while having my own behind closed doors, out of sight from their ever present eyes. I wasn’t.
My thoughts shifted when my 5 year old daughter asked “Mom, is dad going to die?” It was just after bedtime stories, right as I was about to shut off the light, close the door and bee line to the wine fridge. Looking at her tiny little eyes, so full of fear and worry I realized she was hearing everything. Seeing everything. Understanding way more than I could ever have thought possible. “Why do you ask that?” was my response. I wanted to gauge where she was at with this. “Well, I know the ‘coroowinus viwiuos’ is killing old people, and dad is you know... old.” I wanted to laugh it off, her pronunciation so cute and innocent, and remind her that dad is only 35, and that isn’t “old.” But I could tell this was a very real fear for her. It made me realize that this is scary for our children, just as it's scary for me. By continuing to shelter my kids, I wasn't giving them the space to ask questions, to understand and comprehend in their own way. It’s just going to get scarier. Very soon, more and more people we know will be infected, and it’s likely we will all know someone who knows someone very soon that has died from Covid-19.
It was in that moment that I decided to open up to all three of my kids, right then and there. My two boys, ages 8 and 9, were also full of questions. I could see them decompress in front of my eyes as my husband and I answered their questions and concerns as thoroughly as we thought appropriate. It was clear that they had been holding these thoughts in for weeks, like the major elephant in the room. Some were deep questions, “What is a virus? What will happen if I get it, or if you get it, or grandma gets it?” “Is there a cure?” Some were adorable kids questions “When will we be able to order pizza again? What will happen if we run out of toilet paper?” and some were questions that we couldn't answer. We shared honestly that we didn’t know the answers to questions like “When will I go back to school? When can we go to grandma's house again? Am I still going to have a birthday party?” But by giving them space to ask questions and have many of them answered, I could tell they felt just a little more at ease. Getting all that out in the open was so cathartic for them… and for me. I finally felt a release of tension that I didn’t even realize was so prominent in me. The fear that I was attempting to hold at bay for my children was weighing on me more than I could have known.
Now, we have daily question asking time. I can allow myself to feel in front of them and no longer need to always have my guard up. We play a favorite Cali Camp Circle Time game of “Hopes, Fears and Dreams.* They see me cry and I say to them, “Sometimes I am scared too, and that's ok.” Now we can be role models for them in how to deal with challenging times, not by hiding from it, but talking about it, making a plan, and moving forward together. They feel empowered, I feel empowered and together we are stronger.
~ Kassandra “Blaze” Wilsey is a mother of 3 children Blake (9), Cole (8) and “Baby” Rose (5). She also is the Co-Director of Cali Camp and a professor at Cal State University Northridge. You can read more about her at calicamp.com.
*How to play Hopes, Fears and Dreams : During this exercise, each person will share a hope, fear and a dream. The hope should be something that they are hoping for in the near future, something that is most likely to happen or is obtainable. A fear is something that they are cornered about or scared might happen. A dream can be anything that they dream of having, seeing, wanting. Their dreams can be extravagant or unrealistic as they would like. You can check out more of Cali Camp Circle Time games to play at home in our previous blog “Circle Time Games to Play at Home.”