Stopping the Holiday Meltdowns
Ahhh the holiday season is here! It’s a time for family, connection, food, festivities and magic. At least that’s what I keep telling myself between the lists, crafts, meltdowns, meals, shopping, wrapping, elf moving, baking and crying… Navigating the holidays with kiddos adds a whole other layer of stress that parents, and often moms, place on themselves. We want it to be “perfect.” We only get a few magical years where the kids are fully invested in the magical world of the holidays and we don’t want to screw it up! And although these tips might not save your sanity, it just may help cut down on some of those inevitable meltdowns during the holidays, and year-round!
1. Let them know the plan!
Kids thrive on a schedule and with predictability. You can cut down on the meltdowns by being up front about what their day is going to look like. As silly as it sounds, add in as much detail as you can. “We are going to drive over to Nana’s house for dinner, but we need to stop at the grocery store on the way.” Letting them know what to expect helps them predict what their day will look like, and they can be better prepared for what inevitable changes might arise.
2. Plan for Transitions!
Just like kids thrive on schedules, they also need more transitional time than adults. We all know to give 5 or 10 minute warnings about when we might be moving to another activity, but remember that kids have a different idea of time than we do as adults. Your time warnings might be better off in measurements of an activity rather than minutes. “Two more turns each on the slide, and then we are going to head home.” It’s also important to stick to that time frame as much as possible. We have all been in the situation where someone tells us “5 more minutes” and then 40 minutes later they yell at us that it's time to go, and we feel blindsided that we didn’t have a warning. Being honest with yourself about the timing is important, otherwise your kids will learn to not trust your warnings all together and the time warnings will have lost their effectiveness.
3. Let them have some control.
Kids often lose a lot of what they perceive as control during the holidays. They aren’t with their friends, they often are not allowed to pick out the clothes they want to wear, or get a say over what family meal is served. Find small things that they can have a feeling of control over. When it comes to holiday dinners, this can look like letting them decide where people will sit at the dinner table (complete with name cards if you have a crafty kid) or let them choose a special side dish that they know they will love. Throughout the holidays let them have choice in as much as possible from daily activities, movies to watch, or foods to eat.
4. Be wary of the obligation for hugs
Even during a global pandemic, Grandma might still be expecting a big bear hug from her grandkids! If your child hesitates to show physical connection remember that they are still navigating this new world where social distancing is a thing. Even without our new 6 foot rules, children often go through periods of not wanting to be physically close to people, especially people they may only see a few times a year. Allowing your child permission to say “no” teaches them about the power of their voice, as well as consent for physical touch. You may need to have a preemptive conversation with relatives ahead of time, and it's important to support your child in the moment if they decide they don’t want to give hugs right now. Oftentimes, as the day goes on, your child will warm up and hugs might be easier by the end of your time together, rather than at the beginning.
5. Talk about what it looks like to be grateful.
We have all been there as parents; your child opens a gift and the words out of their mouth sound less than grateful to put it kindly. “I already have one of these!” Or “This isn’t what I asked for!” Often in the moment we chastise our kids, telling them to simply “Say Thank You!” Or we snap “Don’t Be Rude.” But have we ever stopped to teach them what it looks or sounds like to “not be rude?” By discussing what gratitude looks like ahead of time will prepare your child for that feeling of disappointment they might feel, and how to handle it in a way that is socially acceptable, and kind. Kids love to learn by hearing stories, so tell about a time that you got a gift that you were less than thrilled about. Explain what an appropriate response looks and sounds like. Practice. By discussing disappointment that might happen ahead of time, they will be less caught off guard and be better prepared for when it happens.
On that same note, my oldest child Blake once asked me if saying “Thank You” for a gift he didn’t like was lying. Being a fan of answering questions with more questions, I asked him “Are you thankful that they thought about you? Bought you a gift? Spent time thinking about you as they wrapped it and gave it to you? “ Of course his answer was “Yes.” I reminded him that you don’t have to love the gift to be thankful for the time, effort and love that went into the gift, after all it's not about the actual physical gift, but about the love behind the gift.